


Thirty is Just a Number

by CydSA



Series: The Adam Lambert & Kris Allen Comedy Collection [4]
Category: American Idol RPF
Genre: Future Fic, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-22
Updated: 2010-05-22
Packaged: 2017-10-09 15:53:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/89099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CydSA/pseuds/CydSA
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Revenge is sweet, payback is a bitch and Adam Lambert is a sweet bitch</p>
            </blockquote>





	Thirty is Just a Number

Swept away   
By the wonder of it all   
So amazed   
Never saw it coming   
Left me dazed   
And I don't know where to turn

Here and now   
Seems I'm standing on the edge   
Looking down   
I can clearly see your face   
In the crowd   
Makes me feel I'm not alone

If I fall   
Will you catch me

Seems to me   
I'm exactly where I dreamt   
I would be   
And the view from here is   
Something to see   
But I need a hand to hold on to

If I fall   
Will you catch me

 

I was turning thirty. That was like fifty in Hollywood years. I was over the hill and slipping feet-first down the steep slope to old age. But first, a little bit of vengeance. I had been planning this for six months. It may sound petty and childish and yes, perhaps it was. But I so deserved this and by God, I was going to get it. My birthday was coming up in about five minutes and I was having a party. And Kris was going to be the star attraction. He just didn't know it yet.

 

"Hi baby."

 

"Hey Adam."

 

"Where are you?"

 

"On my way home. Why?"

 

"I need you to stop by Brad's place and get something for me, please."

 

"Aw, Adam, you know how much I don't like Brad. Please, can't it wait for you to fetch it?"

 

"He called and told me he would toss it out if I didn't get it today. I am busy here with a song so please be an angel. You don't even have to go inside. Just knock on the door, stand there and wait for him to give it to you."

 

"Fine. But you'll owe me. Like a massage or … or … a head rub … or something."

 

"Tick the box for Adam IOU, sweetie. Thanks a mill. See you in a bit. Love you!"

 

Onto the second part of Plan Payback.

 

"Articulate."

 

"Brad! He's on his way."

 

"Did he bitch much?"

 

"Whined like a baby."

 

"Excellent. I am prepared."

 

"Just please, don't fuck it up."

 

"Exsqueeze me? I am the queen of Cheektopia. I never fuck up."

 

"You don't want me to go there, do you?"

 

"This is your favour, sugarlips. Best you be suitably humble."

 

"I grovel at your sparkly feet."

 

"As should the world."

 

"I'll catch up with you later. Make it painful."

 

"How do you know me, possum? It is going to hurt like fuck."

 

About an hour later, Kris turned up, face a lovely shade of green.

 

"Hi sweetie." I was perky, chipper, Little Miss Positive.

 

"Hi." His response was barely a grunt.

 

"Bad day, baby?" I know, I am cruel, but the ends totally justify the means. It's how I live with myself. And quite happily too, I might add.

 

"What? No, no, the day was good. Just, you know, Brad. He gets to me." I was gleeful, jumping for joy. All on the inside of course. On the outside, it was all sympathetic boyfriend Adam.

 

"I'm so sorry I had to send you there, baby. He called and was a bitch about it. Something about feng shui or karma or some other eastern crap." I was biting my lip. I hated lying, but this was all for a good cause. Brad was my evil henchman and Kris was the patsy.

 

Let me explain the grand plan. Last year, on Kris' birthday, I magnanimously allowed him to choose what he wanted to do. He chose camping. It was two days of fish out of water hell, but I endured it because, well, I'm awesome like that. But I told him then that turnabout was fair play. Kris has the memory of a goldfish though, so I bet he forgot all about it three seconds later. I didn't. So I plotted, planned and made arrangements. Brad was organising my not so surprise 'surprise!' party and today was the day that Kris was finally being corralled and roped in. Which brings us to this moment. My boyfriend looked a little ill because he had been presented with fait accompli. Oh yes, and been told what the theme of the party was. My all time favourite movie in the history of the world, 'Velvet Goldmine', which of course meant costumes and make up and glitter. Good times for me, but the absolute worst nightmare for my baby.

 

I stood in the kitchen, concern written all over my face. Kris still looked shell-shocked.

 

"Sweetie, what did Brad say that's upset you so much? Did he make a pass at you? He has commented a few times on the fineness of your ass. Should I phone him and give him a piece of my mind?" See that, caring boyfriend mode.

 

Kris shook his head vigorously, "No! Nothing happened. Don't! You'll uh…just make everything worse. Me and Brad will have to work this out between us. I'll call him tomorrow and make a plan to get together and sort it out."

 

I made the skeptical face and rolled my eyes, "Puh-lease. I don't think that you and Brad could sort yourselves out of a paper bag."

 

Kris glared at me, his face had a little more colour now. "Just leave it, Adam. Okay? I will talk to Brad tomorrow." So I allowed it to pass and sidled up to him, throwing my arms over his shoulders, fingers tunnelling into his hair.

 

"Fine. Now, tell me, what do you have planned for my birthday tomorrow?" Kris' eyes widened. He got that 'deer in the headlights' expression when he was trying to think of a plausible lie. Good thing about my honey, he can't lie for shit.

 

"Um, is it your birthday tomorrow? Already?" Weak Kristopher, really weak.

 

But I played along and pouted, "You mean you forgot?" I think I even squeezed a couple of tears out and he totally panicked.

 

"No. Adam, come on. Seriously, you think I forgot your birthday?" His arms went around my waist and he cuddled in. "I am messing with you babe. Of course I remembered, but I have a surprise for you so I can't really tell you about it cos then it won't be a surprise."

 

I plastered on 'pleased' face and bent down to kiss him, "You are the best and I completely adore you. I won't push. I love surprises."

 

"Huh." My love was batshit terrified and I was loving every moment. Revenge is sweet, payback is a bitch and Adam Lambert, well, let's just say, I'm a sweet bitch. Snap!

 

Next morning, my farm boy leaped out of bed, showered, put my coffee on the bed side table, whispered, 'morning angel, happy birthday', kissed me passionately and ran. I lay there trying to gather my scattered wits. It was utterly pathetic what he did to me and I was a grown ass man of thirty…oh dear god in heaven! I was thirty! I raced to the bathroom and put the mirror lights on. What? As if you wouldn't have mirror lights if you could afford them! I peered carefully at my reflection. There didn't appear to be a change. But I felt different. I swear, I felt old and gray and ready for the nursing home. Leaning forward on my hands, I brushed against something and looked down. It was a small box, wrapped in a big silver bow and a little note attached. I smiled, opened the note and read: You are not old. You are not fat. You are not anything other than spectacular. I love you. Kris. I pulled off the bow and opened the box and there were two black ear studs. They glistened and glittered as I turned them in the fluorescent light. It looked like onyx or marble stone but I didn't care what they were made of, they were from Kris, so they were perfect. I quickly pulled my old studs out and pushed my new pretties in, twisting my head from side to side admiringly. My guy had taste. I forgot all about getting old as I went to get my phone.

 

"Hey baby."

 

"Hey."

 

"Sorry you rushed off so quickly this morning. I would have liked to thank you properly for my present."

 

"You like them?"

 

"They're perfect. I love them. And I love you."

 

"Love you too. Sorry babe, gotta go. I'll talk to you later, okay?"

 

Now I'll admit to feeling a smidgeon of guilt. But only a touch and only for a split second. Jewellery is not the answer to everything. Most things, yes, but not everything.

 

"Happy Birthday to yo-oo-oo!"

 

"Hi Mama, thanks!"

 

"So, thirty years ago I was in a supermarket when suddenly I realised I'd wet myself."

 

"Jeez, Mama, can you please not make me listen to the labour story again. Please!"

 

"Shut up. The very least you can do is listen to my tale of pain and humiliation."

 

"Mama. Please. I'm begging you."

 

"Then I realised that no, it was actually my water that broke, and I started yelling for your father."

 

"I still can't go to that supermarket. They all know who I am and who you are. They all laugh and point. It's embarrassing."

 

"We took a cab to the hospital. The driver's name was Guido and he took the scenic route which is why the contractions were five minutes apart by the time we arrived there."

 

"Seriously, Mama, my stomach is rebelling."

 

"Then Nurse Ratchet insisted on us filling out about six hundred pages of forms while you were shoving your way out of my uterus."

 

"That is just…it's just… there aren't even words for how disgusting that is."

 

"But wait, there's more! Then the OB/GYN who had been taking care of me for the last nine months decided to have a family emergency of his own. So I got stuck with Beelzebub aka Dr. Milton Rampasad. Who spoke precisely three words of English. 'Hello', 'please' and my personal favourite, 'push'."

 

"Mama. Come on, this is just spiteful."

 

"Suck it up, baby boy, we're getting to the best part! Then Beelzebub's pet demon, tells me it's too late to give me drugs and that I will have to give birth naturally. Like there is anything natural about pushing something the size of a watermelon out of a hole the size of a peach."

 

"Dear God, that image has traumatised me forever. I think I am blind."

 

"I broke the bones in your father's hand before Beelzebub finally gave me something to calm me down. He kept saying 'please' while shoving those little white pills at me. I think I scared him. I reckon I was like Satan's mother."

 

"I am putting the phone down now, Mama."

 

"Don't you dare. I'll just leave the rest of the story on your answering machine and then I'll call Kris and tell him the agony of your birth."

 

"You know that's blackmail, right?"

 

"Whatever works, darling. Now, where was I? Ah, yes. The drugs. They kicked in and then Beelzebub used his third word 'push' about four million times until I kicked him in the jaw. You decided to make your appearance at that moment. Came out screaming. And haven't stopped since."

 

"I am going to need so much therapy. This yearly ritual is sadistic and cruel."

 

"Love you honey, happy birthday."

 

 

"Happy birthday son"

 

"Hey Dad, thanks!"

 

"Your mother call you yet?"

 

"Yep. I am scarred for life."

 

"It wasn't pretty, Adam. I still have the dents in my hand to prove it."

 

"Dad. No more. Please. My brain can't handle it. I swear she embellishes it more every year. This year I was a watermelon exploding from her peach."

 

"Well, it was an ugly day. She has the right to let you know the realities of giving birth."

 

"As it is unlikely to happy in the foreseeable future, I'd really rather not know."

 

"She's your mother, son."

 

"She's a sadist, Dad."

 

"Why do you think we're divorced?"

 

"Yeah. There's that too. So…I'll see you tonight?"

 

"With platforms and spandex, my boy."

 

"Sweet."

"Happy birthday, old fart."

 

"Oh god. Please just say that and then stop."

 

"You got the birth speech already?"

 

"Yeah. Watermelon – peach analogy this year."

 

"You get bigger, she gets smaller."

 

"I can't get the image out of my brain."

 

"Well, I can't stop thinking about you and pocket idol having wild hot monkey sex which is very disturbing."

 

"You think about Kris and I… Who the fuck are you?"

 

"Your completely fucked up little brother. No wonder I can't get a girl. My parents are divorced, my mother is a scrap-booker, my father is a Dead Head and my older brother is the poster boy for Gay America. I'm screwed whichever way you look at it."

 

"And the fact that you're a sarcastic, narcissistic dickhead has nothing to do with it?"

 

"I am a prince among men."

 

"Among men from Mars maybe. Among Earth men, you're a sad example of what not to be."

 

"Your chick fans think I am a stud."

 

"My chick fans claim to be the Keeper of Adam's Laugh, or the Rhinestone Handcuffs, or Every Inch of My Love."

 

"Your fans are scary. It's exciting."

 

"You're scary. It's terrifying."

 

"Just called to let you know that I'll be there around six tonight. Are you sure it's okay to crash at your place?"

 

"I am debating the wisdom of my offer."

 

"As long as you and Tiny Tim aren't having hot monkey sex then it's all good."

 

"We are not related."

 

"You could be right."

 

"When I was born, the gene pool thought that Mama wouldn't have any more kids so they gave everything to me. By the time you came along, they hadn't had time to regenerate, so sorry for you."

 

"Hardiharhar. You are such a riot. Speaking of, are you seriously expecting me to wear spandex pants and a wig?"

 

"Only if you want to be at the party of the year, chicken shit. Oh yeah, and there is make-up and glitter and a whole lot of other things too. Brad can be your assistant."

 

"Your ex gropes me."

 

"He gropes everyone. He's an equal opportunity groper. You'd feel worse if he didn't grope you."

 

"No I wouldn't."

 

"Trust me."

 

"Have I ever?"

 

 

"Happy birthday, to you. Happy birthday, to you. Happy birthday Mr. Lambert. Happy birthday, to you."

 

"Baby girl, you do Marilyn better than Marilyn."

 

"Addddaaammmm! Happy b-day duuuuddee!"

 

"I think you shattered an eardrum."

 

"As long as it's the same one you told me I broke the last time."

 

"Why do I have such strange friends?"

 

"Because you're weeiirrd!"

 

"I am normal by Hollywood standards, Alli-cat."

 

"Yeah, cos Hollyweird is soooo normal."

 

"Back to the question of the day. Are you ready for tonight?"

 

"Absolutely, my captain. I am meeting Brad at his place at five. He's arranged for Kris to be there at five thirty. Man, I'm gonna have so much fun."

 

"Just remember, Magenta, I want photos and videos and a script of the show."

 

"Your loyal minion is ready, oh master. And just by the by, this servant crap ends at midnight."

 

"Understood, angel. Vaya con dios."

 

"Hasta la vista. Baby."

 

So, Plan Payback was a go. I was going to have to do without the services of my personal make-up artist and stylist because Brad was going to be busy transforming my boyfriend into the glammest of glam rockers ala 'Velvet Goldmine' with the assistance of one Allison Iraheta. He refused to tell me what Kris was going to be wearing, insisting that it should be a surprise so that I wouldn't be in too much shit. It was so worth it though. I smiled to myself and wandered through to my kitchen. The coffee maker still had about half a cup of coffee left so I poured it in my cup and pressed the button on my answering machine to listen to my messages.

 

"Adam, dude. It's your birthday, so happy whatever. Catch you at the party. Oh, it's Matt."

 

"Happy birthday, gorgeous man. I managed to get a sitter for Ryder. Anoop and I will see you later with bells and feathers on. Mwah!"

 

"Hey Adam, just wanted to say I hope you enjoy your party tonight. Sorry I can't be there but I want lots of pictures. Oh, that's right, I can't see so you'll have to send them to Todd. Was that a lame blind joke? Happy birthday!"

 

"Adam, Anoop here. Happy thirtieth. Statistically speaking you are no longer at your peak, but with you, things seem a little mixed up. You'll be seventeen forever."

 

"Hi Adam, it's Lil. I am so sorry that I won't be able to make it tonight. The kids have measles and it's traumatic, but then at least it's done for good. Love you and happy birthday sweetheart."

 

"Hi Adam, it's Mike …and Danny! Happy birthday! We're in Nashville still but hope to at least make it to the after party. Shoot, recording an album is fun but it eats into the fun times. Danny wants to say something. Hey Adam, it's your birthday. Now we're the only two in our thirties. And only one of us is still pretty. Me! See ya!"

 

There were a few more from other friends to my assistant to some of the record executives and others who had collaborated with me in music. I checked my Twitter account and there were hundreds of tweets wishing me a happy birthday from fans and friends. It was a great feeling to know that I was loved. I breathed deeply. It was going to be an epic day.

 

"Happy birthday, honeybuns."

 

"You need to stop making up endearments for me. It just pisses Kris off."

 

"Objective achieved then, petal. How is the birthday queen?"

 

"Fit, fat and fabulous thank you very much."

 

"I'll take that as a good thing then. I have my boudoir prepared for your sweetheart. I am going enjoy the torture."

 

"Which is why I have handed him over to you, Brad. Just don't break him please, I have plans for him."

 

"I'll return him to you only slightly harmed physically. It's his mental and emotional state that concerns me."

 

"I'll take care of that. Alli says she'll be over around five."

 

"And your precious has already called and I told him to come over about five thirty. I think I should either wear my trenchcoat or my tuxedo. I am feeling like quite the James Bond. Ooh, would love to be feeling Daniel Craig."

 

"Focus Brad!"

 

"Apologies, sugarlips. I am all ears, eyes and make-up maestro from this moment forth."

 

"You've got his costume?"

 

"Darling man, you had better put him in a collar and chain. All the whores at your party will be climbing over themselves to get to him."

 

"Don't you worry about that. I can defend my territory like a bitch when needed."

 

"Ah yes, memories, fond ones."

 

"I told Allison to take photos."

 

"I still have the camera in my room. He won't even know that he's being filmed."

 

"That's just devious and deceptive. I like it."

 

"Thought you might. I need to go and prep myself for this marathon of magic. It might involve invocations and candles and oil. Toodles."

 

Kris might never speak to me again, but I was going to enjoy the fuck out of my party tonight.

 

I decided to head out for a manicure, pedicure and facial. It was my gift to myself. Madelaine, the gifted therapist, gave me a complimentary full body massage when she heard that it was my birthday. I was an al dente noodle when I oozed into the seat for my facial.

 

"Full facial, Adam?" Madelaine draped the warm towel over my face and I murmured my assent. "Your skin's a little dry and tight, hon, but that's normal for someone of your age." Just like that, the feeling of languor disappeared and I think I might have whimpered. Her bracing voice continued, "As you get older, we have to make these little adjustments. Fortunately, you've taken really good care of yourself. We have a great canvas to work with." I could feel myself wrinkling as she spoke. It was depressing how suddenly the world became age-ist. Totally unfair. I decided to make like Scarlett O' Hara and think about it tomorrow, into my thirty-first year and settled back to enjoy the pampering.

 

I had taken a cab to the spa and poured myself into another one to go home. I felt marvelous. My mobile rang,

"This is the artist formerly known as Adam. Call me later, when I can think or move."

 

"Wait! Adam, it's Cassidy. I'm at your house with your outfit for tonight. Where are you?"

 

"On my way home. I'll be there in ten minutes."

 

"You sound like you've smoked a joint."

 

"Better, I gave myself a spa day."

 

"Lucky girl."

 

"Yeah, I feel like a million bucks, all green and wrinkled."

 

"Oh dear, having a private pity party?"

 

"No, I think I might invite my friends Jack and Daniel to join me."

 

"Dear Lord, we need an intervention!"

 

"Ignore me, my beauty therapist had to change the product for my facial to accommodate my advancing age."

 

"Fire the bitch."

 

"I thought about setting her on fire."

 

"Burning Man is later in the year, baby, Burning Therapist can be in January."

 

"Have I mentioned how much I love you, lately?"

 

"Don't let your Kris hear you. He looks like the jealous type."

 

"He is."

 

"Excuse me while I puke from the sweetness."

 

"You're just jealous."

 

"Indeed, my heart, I am."

 

"I'll see you in a few."

 

"I'll be waiting!"

 

It was three in the afternoon and the party was due to start at seven. I had to get myself ready and as I was feeling about as mobile as a sloth, there might be problems. But I shouldn't have worried, Cassidy was waving wildly at me from my doorway and peeking out from behind him was Kim Allen, my other mother. I exploded out of the car, yelling in delight and hurled myself into her waiting arms. Her hugs were almost as good as her son's.

 

"Kim! You goddess! You came!" She laughed as I twirled her in a happy circle.

 

"You didn't think I would miss this, did you, darling boy?" It had taken the Allens about half a second to accept and adopt me into their family and I adored each of them for that.

 

"Where is Neil?"

 

She smiled, "He's spending the afternoon with Kristopher. Apparently they are getting ready at your friend Brad's place?"

 

Abruptly I went cold in terror. "He's with Kris?" I think I squeaked. This could be a disaster.

 

Kim nodded, "We're only here for a couple of days so Neil thought he may as well spend as much time with Kristopher as possible. Apparently this is a costume party?"

 

I tried to cough the giant ball of fear that was lodged in my throat. "You got the invitations, right?" I suddenly pictured the quiet Allens in the middle of my raucous, over the top, screaming queen glamour friends and started feeling faint. Then I looked at Kim and my eyes narrowed. The twinkling in her eyes was exactly like her son's when he had pulled one over me. "Kim Allen, you lying, sneaky…!"

 

She burst out laughing and threw her arms around me, "Your face…a picture…oh, Adam, honey, you are such an easy target." I knew precisely where my prince got his teasing attitude from.

 

She kept her arm around me as I opened my door and ushered them in, "Allison called me and suggested that they might need reinforcements with getting Kris ready for tonight. So I sent Neil and Daniel to make sure Kristopher played the game." I grinned down at her. I had the best in-laws.

 

Cassidy piped up, "Adam, does Kim know what you are planning for her little boy?" I bit my lip. I hadn't quite told her everything. Now was as good a time as any to 'fess up. So I reminded her about the disastrous camping trip and told her my plan for revenge. Thank god she has a great sense of humour. When I told her what I had planned for Kris to wear, she had to sit down she was laughing so hard.

 

"Adam. He's never going to talk to you again." She looked up at me, tears of mirth in her eyes.

 

I beamed at her, "That's okay. I don't need him for conversation much." Then I stopped, opened and closed my mouth and turned bright pink. I really needed to start thinking before saying whatever crossed my brain. The three of us sat in silence for a second and then all burst out laughing. "I am so sorry, Kim. I have to learn to filter before speaking."

 

She waved her hand at me, "Adam, please, never stop being open and honest with me. I would be very unhappy if you thought you had to censor yourself. I love you." I was speechless for the second time in as many minutes and went to her, kneeling next to her and putting my arms around her.

 

"The reason Kris is as special as he is, is because you and Neil are the most amazing people on earth. I am so blessed to have you in my life. Can I keep you?" We were both a little watery as we hugged and then Cassidy spoke up again.

 

"Not to break up the love fest, but we need to get you ready for the ball, Cinderfella." So the battle commenced. As I have said before, it's always all about the outfit.

 

I was a sparkly rainbow. Cassidy had surpassed himself with a type of fitted riding coat that looked like someone had dipped it in a kaleidoscope. The high collar, tight waist and long tails accentuated every curve and so did the skin tight silver high-waisted jodhpurs. It had taken both Cassidy and Kim to get me into them. I can now safely say that Kim knows that I have been circumcised. Normally, not embarrassing because in the theatre, nudity is the norm backstage, but this was my boyfriend's mother for fuck's sake. The fact that she was giggling most of the time didn't help either. I don't know who was blushing more. Cassidy wasn't any help. He just laughed his fool ass off the whole time. The shirt was one of those romantic ruffled numbers with folds of linen pouring out the sleeves like rain. I had my trusty platforms and a silver cravat to complete the look.

 

Kim was a little more conservative. She had managed to get a bright pink wig and a silver lame jacket with a pink shirt and black pants. She was the mother of Mr. Awesome and looked the part. Cassidy wore very little. He looked like a cross between a bondage servant and a leather strap. It was a little scary actually. I kept expecting him to give Kim a paddle and say 'spank me'.

 

The make up was fairly restrained for me. I know, not the usual, but Kris was going to be the star of the show tonight and I didn't want anything to detract from him. My face was powdered, my eyes lined with charcoal grey and rhinestones and I slicked a couple of layers of mascara on. My mouth I stained red, rubbed it in and then stroked long-wear clear gloss over the stain. I added a couple of rings and was done. It was six thirty, Neil had arrived, bitching about the traffic in Los Angeles and was driving me insane and I had heard nothing from Allison or Brad. This could either be a good thing or that Kris had fled screaming into the night.

"Articulate."

 

"It's me."

 

"That's what Caller ID is for, cinnamon buns."

 

"What's going on?"

 

"Whatever do you mean?"

 

"I mean, did Kris show up?"

 

"Indeed he did."

 

"And did you get him ready for the party?"

 

"It involved restraints, normally my thing, but the weeping that went with it was a little pathetic."

 

"He cried?"

 

"Like a gay man at a football game."

 

"I am sleeping alone forever."

 

"You might have to add a few eternities on to that number, sweets. He is so pissed with you."

 

"I think I feel a migraine coming on. Say hi to everyone for me. I'll see you in the afterlife."

 

"I swear to God, you fucker, I will hunt you down and kill you myself if you don't show tonight. Only after I peroxide every hair on your body and then pluck them all out with a blunt tweezer."

 

"You can't hurt me."

 

"Don't be too sure, Lady Lambert. I may be tiny, but I am fucking mean."

 

"Fine. I'll be there, I have to show off Cassidy's creation anyway."

 

"Ooh! Does it look fabulous?"

 

"To the millionth degree, I don't actually think there is a number in the universe for just how fabulous I look."

 

"By the way, your boy..?"

 

"Yeah?"

 

"Gay bait, baby, gay bait. Make sure you get here early or every homo on the block is going to want to eat him up with a spoon. Or lick him. I might be tempted myself."

 

"That good?"

 

"Un-fucking-believable."

 

So Kim, Neil, Cassidy and I clambered into our limo and headed out to Coco de Ville. We would arrive there right on time. I couldn't decide whether I felt like I was Cinderella on the way to the ball to meet Prince Charming or to be counting down to the hour of my doom. At least I would die looking spectacular. I was nervous. Kris was either going to kick me in the balls and walk out of my life forever, or he'd get it, get me, like he always has and it would be the party of the century. No guesses for which outcome I was hoping for. I'm optimistic like that.

 

Coco de Ville was in La Cienega Boulevard, as exclusive as can be, and had been booked out for my party. Brad, Allison and I had done a lot of research but the thing that had sold me was the set of swings that hung from the ceiling. I had ideas for those swings that could probably get me arrested for public indecency but, harmless fantasies are harmless, right? The fact that the décor matched my amazing technicolour dreamcoat was another plus. It wasn't big, only room for around 150 guests, but this was my party and I had invited only those I wanted to have a flat-out, fall-down, fucked-up party with. The doorman nodded at me when I arrived and rumbled,

"Happy birthday, Mr. Lambert, you have a good time y'hear?" I smiled sunnily and the four of us opened the door and entered chaos.

 

I was looking for Kris and Neil leaned in close, shouting in my ear,

 

"I think you invited every gay man in Los Angeles!"

 

I grinned back, "Only the pretty ones. I thought you might need a date!" He snarled at me, eyes sparkling with the glitter that Cassidy had thrown on him back at home. He had point blank refused to wear make up so we had resorted to glitter because that shit never comes off. Ask all my orifices. I scanned the room, bodies were pressed up against one another in various stages of seventies glam-rock dress (or undress like Cassidy). Kim was plastered against my side, eyes wide as she looked around.

 

"Dear Lord. I don't think I have ever seen so much...so much," she breathed.

 

I laughed, "Stick with me, I'll protect you till we find your better half." She tucked her hand in mine and we started plowing through the crowd. Cassidy had vanished into a pile of writhing bodies. He was going to get lucky about a hundred times tonight. My brother had taken Kim's other hand, more for his own protection than hers and we forged ahead. Daniel Allen suddenly appeared in front of us, throwing his arms around me and kissing me noisily.

 

"You give good party, Lambert!" His mother scowled up at him, he was obviously well on the way to being toasty drunk.

 

"Daniel!"

 

"Hey Momma, wait till you see Dad. And Kristopher." He focused back on me, "You are in deep shit, Adam, my brother is going to hurt you tonight."

 

I ignored the little shiver of terror and smiled at him, "It's all in the name of fun, Dan, my man. Kris knows that."

 

Daniel shook his head slowly, "Um, nope, he's not laughing." Yikes. Had I gone too far? Just then Neil Allen showed up, head to toe black robe with a white priest's collar on his neck. I snorted with laughter and he grinned at me.

 

"Hey Adam, happy birthday, son. Thought that you'd appreciate the irony."

 

I chuckled, these people were the best, "Yeah, we need someone responsible to be here tonight. Good thing we got you, father!" We smiled at each other and then he let out a wolf whistle when he looked at Kim.

 

"What have we here? A brazen hussy to tempt the man of God?"

 

She giggled and sidled up to him, raising her head for a kiss, "Hi there handsome, can I interest you in a ..?" she whispered something to him that turned the tips of his ears bright red.

 

I sighed romantically as they kissed, "Aw, you guys, you're just so cute!" My brother was making gagging noises next to me and Neil Allen smacked him upside the head. I nearly fell over I was laughing so much. My in-laws were the best. But where was my sweetie?

 

"Addammmm!" My arms were suddenly full of Allison. She had coloured her hair blue and green with streaks of pink and wore a dress made of some shiny material that changed colour as it flowed. It was cinched in at the waist with a wide corset belt in gold. She looked amazing, fake lashes tipped with rhinestones and a smile wider than the Grand Canyon. "Happy birthday again, dude!" She hugged me tight and my chest hurt a little with happiness.

I was very blessed with good friends.

 

"Baby girl, you look incredible."

 

She twirled for me, giggling with delight. "Cheeks is like the king of the fucking universe! Oh, sorry, Mrs. A." She pulled her mouth askew in apology. Filter, she and I didn't have it. "He got me this belt and doesn't it totally make this outfit?" I nodded and she ran on, "But Adam. Shit man, oh sorry, Mrs. A. you look like, I don't even have words for how fucking, oh sorry, Mrs. A. how gorgeous you look. That jacket. It's radical."

 

The Allens, all three of them waved to me as they headed to the bar for a drink. Neil trailed after them. He was sticking to the normal people tonight. I grinned to myself. Cassidy and Brad had a mission of their own involving my brother. I had asked for pictures and a play-by-play if they managed to pull it off. The night was but a foetus and I still hadn't seen my guy.

 

I looked down at Alli and asked, "So where is Kris?"

 

Her face fell and she stared up at me, "Oh god, Adam. He is gonna kill you dead. I have never seen him so mad in my whole life." Then that lovely face brightened, "But fuck, he looks unbelievable. I think Brad wanted to jump him." She chuckled. "I gave him a whip to fend off the hordes. Cos they're gonna try and get him." She took my hand and started dragging me towards the second room. "He's in here with Brad and Matt. I think they've like appointed themselves his official bodyguards or something. The gays were circling him like sharks scenting blood."

 

I wanted to run now. No one was getting near my guy. The caveman tendencies that showed so frequently in Kris seldom appeared in me. I tended to be a little more cosmopolitan than my boyfriend. But he was my boyfriend and I needed everyone to know that.

 

The eye-aching colours of the décor dimmed into insignificance the moment I saw Kris. He was standing near the bar, talking to Matt while Brad was tucked up next to him. I took a moment to appreciate the picture. Matt had gone to town and was in a full catsuit in lime green with a long vest in black peppered with diamante. Trademark fedora and knee high platform boots completed the outfit. Brad had foraged in his cupboard and was in the tiniest pair of bright silver cellophane shorts in creation. I think he had suspenders on as well, and thigh-high silver boots with a studded dog collar. Neil was going to be in such trouble tonight. The two gayest gays I knew had a hard-on for my brother. They were determined to introduce him to the joys of gay boys. It was going to be interesting to see who won that argument.

 

But my eyes were riveted on Kris. He stood there, I swear the lights just gravitated towards him so that it looked like he was the only true thing in the room. Brad had poured him into a pair of tight black leather pants that clung to him like his own skin. He wore black shit-kickers with sharp silver spikes on the ends and that was it. Oh yes, and the wings. Strapped to his shoulders with black leather, they rose above his head and trailed to the floor in silver and white and black feathers like a waterfall. Brad had lined his eyes with black and then smudged it in and up, pressed violet in so that his lids looked bruised. His mouth had been stained pink and the inside of his lips were red. Down the length of his arms, the black leather straps twisted and turned snake-like until they ended wrapped around his thumbs with a cock ring. I must have made a sound, a moan or something because Allison just snickered.

 

"I hope someone took a picture of you right now, Adam. You look like you want to swallow him whole." She realised what she had said and seemed horrified for a moment then erupted in a peal of raucous laughter. Which attracted the attention of my birthday surprise. Kris' head whipped around and he stared straight and me. He said something to Matt, who grinned and nodded, pulled away from Brad and stalked across the room towards me.

 

I am never going to have that vision of him leave my brain. It was the single hottest thing I have ever seen in my life and I felt like I was going to pass out watching him. The wings swept the ground behind him as he walked, every eye in the place on him. People talk all the time about how beautiful I am, how gorgeous, how sexy. They know nothing. Kristopher Neil Allen is sex on legs. I swallowed, nervous, jittery, totally turned on. He finally reached me and looked up at me, eyes narrowed, mouth hard.

 

"Adam."

 

"Hey, baby." My voice was thready, breathless. He could do such things to me, just saying my name.

 

He glared at me, "So this is getting me back for the camping, huh?" Of course he remembered. I was still speechless. "Adam? I really don't appreciate the way you went about this."

 

We were so not going to have this fight at my party and I opened my mouth to tell him when Brad came up behind him, stepped around him. He put his arms around my waist, pulled himself in close and reached up to kiss me,

 

"Happy birthday, you beautiful thing," he whispered against my mouth, tongue running against the seam of my lips. Outrageous little bitch, trying to make Kris jeal...oh. So I let him kiss me, opened my mouth a little, touched the tip of my tongue to his and tasted the familiar.

 

"Thanks, dollface. You look pretty gorgeous yourself."

 

He smiled up at me and turned to face Kris, who was looking a little wild. "I done good?"

 

I pecked the tip of his nose and nodded, "You done real good. Now fuck off so that I can make peace with my man." He gave a good natured shrug, pressed his mouth to Kris' cheek and headed out, no doubt to find Neil. Kris was still standing there, but he didn't look as angry any more. Then I noticed the black tasselled whip in his one hand and I might have actually groaned. Of course, he noticed me noticing and a sly smirk crossed his lips.

 

"You like this, huh?" He motioned to himself, chest bare, pants glued on, wings caressing his neck and the whip, dear god the whip.

 

I said, "Um..." Eloquence isn't really my thing when I am as hard as a rock and about to embarrass myself in front of 150 of my nearest and dearest friends and family. I think Kris clicked then as to just how turned on I was. He stepped in closer, not quite touching, just the heat of his body washing over me like sunlight.

 

"Adam. I asked you if you liked this." My eyes met his, trailed over his face to that mouth, full lower lip plump, inviting and red. And I broke. My arms wrapped around him, pressed him close and my mouth plundered his. He stood there like a ragdoll, arms by his side, not holding me, not denying me but not responding. I became aware of that and released him so quickly that he nearly fell.

 

"I'm sorry. It's just you, those pants...wings...whip...leather...feathers..." I wanted to hit my head against the wall. I felt like I had received a lobotomy in the last few minutes. I could barely string a sentence together. He just stared at me, mouth wet and eyes dark. The music and noise seemed to have faded around us as we stood there.

He held out his hand, "Walk with me." Silently, I took his hand and obeyed. I followed him through the gyrating crowds, many calling to me, wishing me a happy birthday and wolf whistling after us when I ignored them. Kris pushed through the kitchen door and pulled me behind him, through the kitchen, past the surprised staff, out into the alley behind the club. The fire door clanged shut behind us and the next moment I was shoved up against the cold steel with an aggressive mouth at my neck, fingers tugging at my cravat.

 

"Fuck. Adam. Fuck." His hands trembled but then my whole body was shaking as I pressed my fingers into the soft skin just above his leather-clad waist line. Suddenly he was there, in my space, against me, mouth on mine, tongue spearing in. I held on, let the storm of him ride over me. His fingers tangled in my hair, pushed at the hem of my shirt and pressed down on the skin of my stomach. The heel of his other hand pressed against the front of my pants and I grabbed it.

 

"Kris. No...don't...it's going to be a mess...wait...stop..." But he was relentless. His fingers dipped beneath the waistband of the jodhpurs and found skin. Warm, eager, wanting. My head fell back against the door, helpless, desperate.

 

Then he whispered, "You fuck. You set me up tonight. You made sure that I felt so guilty that I would go through with this. You let Brad put his hands all over me so that you could get your revenge." He pulled his hands, mouth, body away and looked at me, panting, "Are you happy now?" I stared at him, mute. My mind was a mess of feeling, passion, confusion, love, frustration and he just stood there.

 

I licked my lips, "We'd better go back inside." I pushed away from the door, opened it and went back into the kitchen, through the doors, back into the cacophony of my party. I didn't know if he was following me or not. At that moment, I didn't care. Little shit. Who the fuck did he think he was treating me like that, talking to me like that? Me, Adam fucking Lambert! I was burning, raging and to tell the truth, dying inside. Kris had never used the physical aspect of our relationship as anger currency. It hurt like fuck that he had done it now, here, like that.

 

"Adam. Babe, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have..." I shrugged off the urgent hand on my arm, I couldn't let him touch me just then. I didn't even want to look at him. I turned away, looked over the oblivious crowd and spotted Brad, Cassidy and, oh dear lord, Neil in some kind of three-way dance-off. I made my way towards them, vaguely aware of Kris behind me.

 

"Can I join in?" It didn't even sound like me, and three of the people who knew me best in the world turned to me, eyes focused, looking past me to the miserable man behind, and three hands shot out and pulled me into their bubble, shutting the one who had done this to me out. I allowed myself to be absorbed into them, Brad and Cassidy pressed front and back and Neil dancing around the three of us like a spastic octopus. Kris just stood there, watching, unmoving, eyes not leaving me. So I closed mine and let the heavy thump-thump of the music take me away. I felt Brad move, leave the circle and heard him ask,

 

"What the fuck did you do to him, Kristopher?" My ex was a vicious little prick when he wanted to be, biting, nasty, cruel, but he wasn't even being subtle here, voice hard like diamonds.

 

I heard Kris reply, "I don't know. I mean, I do, but I don't know why or how or ...Brad, I just..." His voice sounded ragged, choked.

 

Brad hissed, "It's his fucking birthday, you asshole. His fucking birthday. When it was yours, he went camping with you for two days and from what I can recall, only on the way home were there any issues. He did it because he loves you and wanted you to have a great time. So tell me, Kristopher, did you have a great time on your camping weekend?" I didn't hear what Kris replied and obviously Brad did because he continued, "So it stands to fucking reason then if he did what you wanted on your birthday, even though he was a complete fish out of water, then you could return the favour by granting him the same wish." Kris started saying something but Brad wasn't done, "Shut the fuck up, you selfish shit. All he wanted was a couple of hours from you. A couple of fucking hours. But no, you whine the whole time I'm dressing you and bitch when I put on the makeup. You whimper so much that Allison feels so sorry for she gives you a whip. Nineteen fucking years old and she's braver than you'll ever be. I don't know what he sees in you."

 

I never got to hear his reply because I opened my eyes and saw my mother and father dancing. Holy fucking shit on a cow. My father was all in leather, a scary old version of one of the Village People, and my mother, dear lord above let me please have this image removed from my brain, my mother was in a red leather corset and tight black pants. With a rose in her hair and a collar and, oh fuck me now and kill me later, a leash with the other end wrapped around my father's wrist.

 

My retinas burned and I hissed at my brother, "Neil, have you seen them?"

 

He stopped spazzing, sorry, dancing, and asked, "Seen who?"

 

I took him by the shoulders and turned him around so that he could also be traumatised, "Oh sweet fucking shit in a bucket. No. That is just every kind of possible wrong in the universe." We were both shuddering. Children should never have to see their parents in bondage gear. Ever. "They did this on purpose," Neil declared.

 

I nodded, "I think Mama has decided to pay us back for all our anti-scrap booking talk."

 

"Yeah. That's not right. Seriously, bro, that's like sixteen years of therapy right there. My mind just can't handle it."

 

I felt my lips curve in a smile, "Read any good fan fic lately?"

 

He spun around and glared at me, "Bastard! You know I only read the one, and that I only realised it was about you and Kris after I went back and read the disclaimer!"

 

I grinned, momentarily restored, "Liar, reading gay porn about your brother gets you hot." Then I stopped and we both looked at each other and made retching motions at the same time.

 

"Adam." That soft, rough voice was as familiar as my own now and I turned to face Kris. "Can we just talk please?" I am sure he must have seen the hurt in my eyes because he flinched, but still held out his hand. "Please?"

 

So I let myself be led out by Kris again, through the kitchen, out the door and found myself leaning back against the steel again, heart pounding.

 

"I'm sorry." His first words were an apology but they weren't his last. "I was an asshole tonight. I bitched about the outfit and the makeup and the wings because I felt I had to. I knew, as soon as Brad brought the outfit out tonight, I knew that you had planned it and I felt manipulated." I kept silent and he carried on, "I actually think I look amazing, just so you know." I allowed a small smile to cross my lips, it was good to be right. "But I didn't want to feel amazing. I was so pissed off at you because you made me do this. It felt like some kind of petty revenge. But I should have known that you're a better person than that." Well, actually, I really wasn't, but I wasn't going to argue with him about it. He hurried on, "So, when we came out here, I was kind of petty too." His eyes were ashamed, mouth a little wobbly, I hated seeing him like that but dammit, he fucking hurt me! "I swear to God that I will never, ever, ever use sex like that again. It was spiteful and mean and I hate myself for doing that to you. Making love to you, with you, is so special and I hate that I made it feel dirty and soiled." He really was beating himself up about this and I am not the type to hold a grudge. Okay, I totally am, hence Kris in wings, but I can't stay mad at him, at all. He dropped his head, took a deep breath and I took his hand. His gaze flew up to meet mine.

 

"Kris, I love you more than my own life and almost as much as my new Skin Graft jacket." He smiled and I smiled back, "We are two very different people and we are going to disagree about things, often, but that's okay. That's what couples do." He stepped in closer to me, only a sliver of air between us, still only linked by our hands. "I was pissed with you about the camping, and the dress-up for you tonight was a bit of petty revenge on my part." His face tightened a little then relaxed. "Just so you know, I have been dying to get you glammed up and you're even more gorgeous than I thought you could be." That lovely mouth curved in a smile as I continued, "But you hurt me tonight. You made me feel ashamed of how my body reacts to you for the first time since we've been together. I hate that you made me feel like that." My voice broke a little and he closed the space between us.

 

"Adam, my love, I am the shittiest excuse of a boyfriend and I swear to you that I will never do that again. I love you so much and I was pissed and embarrassed and acting like a baby because I've never let myself be part of your world and you just seem to fit in every part of mine. Even the camping." I wasn't going to cry and be the clichéd gay man on every TV show in creation. Kris pressed his mouth to mine, chaste, apologetic. "I know you're pissed with me and hurt and I don't blame you. I have no excuse other than I hate being the centre of attention and I spent the last half hour being hit on by every cute gay guy in Los Angeles."

 

I couldn't hold back the grin. It was good being the boyfriend of the man most wanted on the scene in LA. I felt every line and curve of Kris up against mine. We fit together so perfectly in every way and I knew that this was just another bump in the rocky road of our relationship. We'd made it through so much already.

 

"I think you are the sexiest thing I have ever seen." That was totally not what I was going to say, but the expression on Kris' face was completely worth the lameness. He beamed at me, mouth inviting and I accepted. I dropped my head, caught that plump lower lip between my teeth and just held on. He whined a little, tongue a little pushy against the seam of my lips and I eventually let him in. This time, there was no hidden agenda, no attempt to teach anyone a lesson. It was a simple affirmation of love and lust and passion and it was going to get us arrested for public indecency if we took it any further. I pulled away reluctantly, our mouths making a slight pop as we separated.

 

"We should go back inside."

 

"Yeah."

 

"It is my birthday party."

 

"Yeah."

 

"Or we could sneak away and go home."

 

"Yeah."

 

"You're really kind of easy, Kristopher."

 

"Yeah."

 

"And your hand should totally not be doing that right now."

 

"Yeah."

 

"But if you feel you must…"

 

"Yeah."

 

I hear that Perez Hilton crowned it the party of the year. And it was only January. The private party I had at home, with Kris, was much more fun. And possibly a little more x-rated. But hey, when you have an angel in your arms, his hands in your pants, fingers around your…you get what I'm saying right? Seriously, would you have hung around? I got so lucky on my birthday I should have been in Vegas. I would have totally cleaned house. Just call me Lucky Lambert.

 

Brad called me the next day and told me that Neil was a complete whore. And then so did Cassidy. I was so not going to think about that. There are some images, like parents wearing S&amp;M kit and straight brothers tiring out two of the queerest queens on the planet that just didn't bear thinking about. Fortunately I had something to distract me.

 

Yeah, thirty was just a number when you were sleeping with the hottest man in town. He was like my own personal fountain of youth. When the sun hit his face, I woke him up with the dirtiest kiss I could possibly give. He groaned, body undulating beneath mine and I ran my hands down the smooth skin of his thighs. His eyes flickered open and I was blessed with the love shining from them. Humbled, I kissed him again, soft, sweet, sucking and then whispered,

 

"Baby, can you wear the wings? Please?"

**Author's Note:**

> Lyric from If I Fall - Aqualung


End file.
